Kanga

Reflective Musings from a Lifelong Spanko

Early Awakenings

"Spanking" 

A word that evokes feelings of excitement, apprehension, arousal and can send my tummy flipping to it's very core.

From as early as I can remember, I've had a 'thing' for spanking. As a child, without really understanding why, I would be drawn to TV shows and movies where a spanking may be shown or referenced.  It was a confusing time for me as I never really understood my feelings. If I knew a spanking scene was coming up in a movie, I would want to watch it alone always worried that, if witnessed, someone would guess my fascination.  

There was never any desire to want a spanking from my parents but, as a child of the 70s, a swat on the bottom or the legs from a well meaning teacher was common place and I would find myself staring if any classmate ended up on the receiving end of a well aimed smack. As a strong willed child, I, too, often felt the sting of a teacher's hand and, if I'm completely honest, when given from a male teacher, there was a certain internal turmoil that danced around in my tummy when his hand connected with my bottom. So confusing for a child who had no idea why it would illicit such a reaction.

My teen years were spent devouring any historical romance or Mills and Boon in the hopes there may be a spanking scene hidden somewhere within the pages. Please remember, this was the era before internet and so my 'fix' had to come from either books or TV.  By the mid 80s, political correctness  was beginning to rise and spanking scenes were no longer common place in movies or TV shows therefore, I quickly became a fan of 50s, 60s and 70s movies. Most memorable scenes were those from Blue Hawaii, McLintock and Kiss Me Kate, possibly because they were movies often shown on Australian TV during the 80s.

I was in my mid teens when I discovered spanking created a sexual response from me and I have to admit, that confused me even more. Why would something that caused pain, give me such pleasure? Probably a question asked by many a 14 yr old spanko - lol! I actually experienced my first orgasm while reading a spanking scene in a romance book. 

It was around the age of 16 that I really started to provoke spankings from my male friends. I will admit, I was a troubled teen and any attention was still attention. It embarrasses me to remember those days as I was so desperate to be loved, I would brat and push until I got a reaction. Many swats were delivered to my eager backside but I was always left wanting as the spanking was never enough and, by that, I mean on an emotional level. 

Then, into my life came 'S'. I was 17 when I met him and we were close until I moved away at the age of 21. Although we were never 'intimate' as lovers, he fulfilled in me a need for consistency and discipline.  S was a born 'top'. He was dominant, consistent and thorough. He pulled me up every time I crossed a line. He never let me get away with behaviour he felt was unacceptable and would respond with a quick sharp swat or a full blown spanking depending on the circumstances. As we were never intimate, the spankings were always delivered over clothing which may not seem 'real' to some but, to me, they were very real. The thing that often surprised me during this time was not the intensity of the spanking so much as the intensity of the scolding that would accompany it. S showed me that bratting and provoking wasn't the way to win friends and influence people - lol!! He was pivotal in teaching me to respect those around me.

The thing I loved most about S was his consistency. As a survivor of childhood sexual abuse, chaos ruled my life. Having someone who reacted the same way, every time, was something I had not experienced. As horrible as it sounds I would brat and provoke him just to get a reaction simply because I knew he would react. I tested him at every turn and, each time, he did not disappoint. Looking back, I know how unfair this was on him but, at the time, my selfishness and desire overruled my need to respect him. It's something I regret deeply and, something, many years later, I was able to apologise for.

In hindsight, I can see how much I needed S at the time and what an impact he had on my life. 

For the next 30 years, my experience has been, pardon the pun, very hit and miss. There have been men in my life who have spanked me, both in discipline and in play but there's not been that someone special with whom I could form a strong connection and submit to as his TiH. 

That is where I am today. 

I have taken back my life, rid myself of many demons and am now ready to find that someone special. 

My question to you is... 

1. Did you know from an early age that you had a fascination with spanking and, like me, did you seek it out, generally in a negative form such as bratting and/or annoying behaviour, from those around you before you met your lifelong Mr/Ms Spanky? 

I would be honoured to hear your stories should you be willing to share.

Thanks for reading,

Love

Kanga Jo